The Beginning

I know the only way to find my new path in life is to start at the beginning. I must make sure to never skip a step or leave anything or anyone behind. I am going to do it my way & what works for me...if you wish to follow & be there with me & we are meant to be then I will see you at the ending. Hopefully tho that ending won't be for a very long time...but in the mean time, let us learn to be friends again.

What is a friend? A friend is someone you can rely on, trust, depend on. A friend will love me & be my rock, my shoulder to cry on...can you be that for me?? I hope so! We have shared so much together & had so many good times along the way. A family is the blessing God bestowed upon us & yet we have seemed to muss it up along the way. I know that it is only by the grace of God we made it this far. 

I know an 'ex' is an 'ex' but I know that if it is true love you & I will always find our way together. We both seemded to have lost our way somewhere down this crooked path we've been walking & I intend on finding the directions back to where I want to end up. I hope that you find yours as well...I don't want to hike on this trail without you, I want you to see the sunrise with me too...to hold my hand & let me fall asleep on your should...but I want love & safety, most of all safety!!

Stability, safety, & comfort is what I need...stability in a job (in light of the poor shape of our current economy), safety that knows you are my protector not my abuser (love me don't fight me), comfort to know that we are always comfortable together regardless of the disagreement taking place.

Be my best friend & never leave my side, always hold my hand no matter how upset we are...no matter how many tears we shed or ugly words we throw be with me...but first find yourself...I'll wait for you if you wait for me. Be my friend until the end, walk with me through lifes struggles & joys...I don't want anyone else...but I don't want nor will I go back to what we were. It will take time & time I'm going to take because this time it's going to be done right...not with or in haste but patience & love!!

Follow me to the beginning, through the middle, and straight around the end!

Part of the Chaos

Today I talked with the 'ex' to try and set up a date & time to exchange gifts with the kids (he was in the hospital with supposed gall bladder problems) and it turned into one HUGE argument!! 

I am so tired of the drama that I could just spit nails & put up an entire house with them!! I was kind of feeling sorry for him that I was keeping in touch with him, but after today that is going to be cut from my list of 'I Cares!' 

I called him & said lets meet up Wednesday at McDonald's, because mama has to run into town and pay a few bills. I told him I would call him when we got to town, so he could head that way as we were paying the bills. According to DSS, I can not leave the children with him. His visitation must be in a public place while I am there and he can not leave with them. That of course was NOT good enough!

It turned into yet ANOTHER drag out fight about him blaming 'me' for his anger management issues & violent tendencies towards the kids & myself, WTF?! That always had thrown me for a loop because why can't you just admit you are wrong and quit blaming everyone else for why you act the way you do. He has never gave a damn about us or anything we needed much less wanted so why now?!

I don't understand how when something you truly want in the beginning and is right there in front of you leaves you because of your lack of self control & commitment to being a strong 'father' & 'husband' that you back down? How can you want to give yourself these titles when other people need to hear it, but yet you can't contribute to the duties of your title & truly be a part of the family you seem to so 'desperately' want?!

I cared once upon a time & felt really guilty, even thought somewhere down the road we 'might' get back together...HELL NO!! What was I thinking, I can't believe that I tried so hard & put my whole heart full of emotions made just for you into that relationship only for you to NEVER put forth the same effort! It always had to be your way or no way...never thinking of how that makes someone else feel, or how that affects someone elses life. "I'M OVER IT!" You can't control me anymore, I can be without you, I can breathe without you, I can feel without you, I can love without you, I can walk without you, I can be ME without you! One day some man will want ME for who I am & he will cherish me, love me, protect me, & NEVER EVER hurt me for any reason!