Friday, January 29, 2010

New Territory

As many of you know I am a NEW single mother who was previously a stay at home mother. Now even though these two may not seem very different when you say them, let me tell you they are! Right now I seem comfortable where I am, because we are staying with my mother, I don't work, I'm going to school...all and all someone else is keeping us up (let me tell you that just stabs my pride right in the bulls eye when I say that)!

I want a life for myself & my children more than I can ever explain but life without a partner is so scary that I am actually fearful of getting out on my own. Now I do have a plan, that when I finish school or at least finish this first year (I will have my AABA at that point) try to obtain gainful employment & make a home elsewhere for myself & my children...I do plan on my mother moving in with us where I can take care of her needs as she has done for us.

Although most people would think crave independence, I am fearing it again! I do enjoy privacy (something that I NEVER get here) & would definitely enjoy having my own home & decorating my children's rooms...that is a very daunting task! Being on my own ALL the time, never having anyone around except the kids (who by the way don't do very much for me in the way of adult conversation) just makes me want to live with my mother forever.

Now don't get me wrong for one minute my mother & I have such similar personalities that we are each others throats constantly. We love one another & would walk the earth for each other, but I just can't seem to find a place in my head where I don't want her included.

Yes I want love again, yes I want a relationship again...but honestly living with her is so much easier than living with any man! If we have a disagreement we argue, then move on...its over, we've said our peace!

Does this make me so childish, lazy, immature, dependent to say or feel these things? Should I just grow up & move on? I mean living the way I had with my ex- for the last 5 years (today was our anniversary actually) was horrible, I tried & tried but it just never got any better.

How do you feel about this? Should I just grow up & move out? Am I immature or lazy for feeling this way? How would you feel? Have you been in my shoes? What were your feelings? Really tell me!!

2 comments:

  1. I am not in your shoes, I do not know the exact details of how you got to where you are in life nor will I pretend that I know. I can however tell you from my own experiences. I had my oldest when I was 18 and still lived at home. I had plans to get into low income housing before she was born but backed out because I was too scared to be on my own with a baby. I became accustom to my mom paying for anything I wanted.

    Two years later I got married and moved out. I had a HORRIBLE time with that, let alone moving 3000 miles away from her. My marriage ended and I went running back to my mom with kids in tow. I am forever grateful for her helping me get back on my feet. I will always be grateful for her being there for me when life was laughing at me as I fell yet again. With that said I truly think that living with her again for those 2 years caused just as much problems for myself as they helped.

    I am remarried now, have more children and living alone with the kids while my husband is in another state training. I am struggling being alone. I have never lived alone my entire life and this is the first time that I have to rely on myself. At 30 I should have had this ability before hand, especially since the opportunity had presented itself to me twice in the past and I ran the opposite direction.

    If you can do it, I would say move out. Make that jump. Show not just yourself but your children as well that it's okay to live alone and count on yourself for things at times.

    I wish you all the best in this choice as it is not an easy one. Leaving our "comfort" zone is always difficult.

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  2. I think you should be grateful(sounds like you are) and continue your schooling. When you have yourself established, we will be able to help your mom out. Take it one day at a time and just do what you feel is right for you and your family.

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