Thursday, December 31, 2009

The End of A Changing Year

This year was one of love, hate, chaos, drama, tears, compassion, fear, anger, terror, laughs, fun, trips, lost jobs, new lifes, lots of changes & so much more! I have come full circle from the person I was at the beginning of this year & I am starting a completely new chapter in my life. I have learned & learned again that life is what you make of it. I know that the decisions we make will have a determination in the next stone we step onto down the path we are taking, but I honestly believe that our lives are compliation of where we have been & who we have been around. 

My children are watching me struggle with lack of sleep & energy so that I can study hours into the night & early morning. I know that in 3 years when I walk across the stage with my 3 children in the audience & they watch me get my Master's Degree, it will be one of the proudest days of my life! 

I know that going into this year I am a single mother, something I NEVER planned for nor wanted, but here I am starting a new year & new decade as a single mother of 3 children, 5 years of age & under, no real home of our own & without so much. Yet what we do have is love & each other! I know that I wouldn't spend the beginning of this year any other way...with my babies! 

We are 4 strong & will stick together, through it all! I know its going to be tough, & we will have to jump many holes along the way to find the finish line, but I know that I can do it, I can feel it within me so deep that I cry every time I think about it. 

I am strong, I am loved, I am funny, I am compassionate, I am me, I am a friend, I am a mother, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a step-daughter, I am a grand daughter, I am a neice, I am a Christian saved by the grace of God, I am a fighter, I am a best friend, I am the person who knows that she needs to keep on in order to find herself & accomplish her goals & find her dreams! I am me...Katrina B. Smith

Monday, December 28, 2009

Part of the Chaos

Today I talked with the 'ex' to try and set up a date & time to exchange gifts with the kids (he was in the hospital with supposed gall bladder problems) and it turned into one HUGE argument!! 

I am so tired of the drama that I could just spit nails & put up an entire house with them!! I was kind of feeling sorry for him that I was keeping in touch with him, but after today that is going to be cut from my list of 'I Cares!' 

I called him & said lets meet up Wednesday at McDonald's, because mama has to run into town and pay a few bills. I told him I would call him when we got to town, so he could head that way as we were paying the bills. According to DSS, I can not leave the children with him. His visitation must be in a public place while I am there and he can not leave with them. That of course was NOT good enough!

It turned into yet ANOTHER drag out fight about him blaming 'me' for his anger management issues & violent tendencies towards the kids & myself, WTF?! That always had thrown me for a loop because why can't you just admit you are wrong and quit blaming everyone else for why you act the way you do. He has never gave a damn about us or anything we needed much less wanted so why now?!

I don't understand how when something you truly want in the beginning and is right there in front of you leaves you because of your lack of self control & commitment to being a strong 'father' & 'husband' that you back down? How can you want to give yourself these titles when other people need to hear it, but yet you can't contribute to the duties of your title & truly be a part of the family you seem to so 'desperately' want?!

I cared once upon a time & felt really guilty, even thought somewhere down the road we 'might' get back together...HELL NO!! What was I thinking, I can't believe that I tried so hard & put my whole heart full of emotions made just for you into that relationship only for you to NEVER put forth the same effort! It always had to be your way or no way...never thinking of how that makes someone else feel, or how that affects someone elses life. "I'M OVER IT!" You can't control me anymore, I can be without you, I can breathe without you, I can feel without you, I can love without you, I can walk without you, I can be ME without you! One day some man will want ME for who I am & he will cherish me, love me, protect me, & NEVER EVER hurt me for any reason! 

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Who I am

I guess to start to answer this question there are a few things that I must first state. This is the sort of question that has an ever changing answer. I mean almost daily my 'duties' or the 'definition' of who I am changes. Why? I'm sure that's what you are asking, well it's because my life is always changing and each day brings a new adventure or nightmare, just depends on how you look at it. Honestly, each day I wake up I never really know what is going to happen, where I will end up, who is going to need what out of me, what I am going to feel like doing, or where the day will lead me. 
Today I had a very new title added on to the everlasting list that defines 'Who I am.' That new title was 'mouse killer?!' I know someone of you are like 'what you just set a trap out?' NO! My mother who has a cat (that's where we stay currently, due to the newly 'single' status) put the cat outside and while in the process of feeding the cat, comes inside and says 'Trina, come look at Pepper (the cat) it looks like she has a bird or something!' So I go outside and see the cat at the bottom of the ramp and hear this 'squeaking' while she is madly batting something around. I walk down the ramp and see that she has a baby mouse, I mean this thing can't be any longer than 2 to 2 1/2 inches long and about 2 inches in height. Its the cutest thing I've ever seen and she is playing with it, not hurting it, just doing her duty as a cat. Well my mama can't stand a mouse (no matter the size) and doesn't like them in the house. 
Now before I go any further let me tell you we live in the woods, *the driveway is about 1 mile back in the woods, on 8 acres of land in the middle of a no-where town, so we are going to have mice! So now she see's that the cat is not going to kill the mouse and it is very close to the house. She says 'Trina kill it, its going to get in the house.' So jokingly I say get the shovel and I'll hit it (mind you I've never killed anything on purpose in my life, other than a bug). She goes and gets the shovel  and says 'here hit it with the shovel?!' OMG! I was mortified because she was serious, so I close my eyes and swing away...it was heart breaking! However, I must do what the 'mother hen' tells me. Now I know some of you 'animal lovers' out there are cursing me to high heaven right now, but trust me I love animals. I've always had a dog, usually don't mind animals as long as they don't bother me, but I live with someone else and am cared for by someone else (she provides the basics, since I don't have a job, only school) so I must comply.
That brings my newest title to 'mouse killer!' What will tomorrow bring...Lord only knows...maybe it will be 'Millionaire'...one can always dream right!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Birthdays-->Your Special Day

I know this is such a boring topic, but it means a lot to me and always has. Today is my birthday...'Yeah for me!! WOOT WOOT! Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me!'...Okay I'm off my soap box now, on to the good stuff. So I have always thought that birthdays are each individual person's most special day of the year. There is no 'one' person that shares a birthday with anyone else...'I know you're thinking she's crazy,' but hear me out. Although there are probably 'millions' of people born on the same day as you..there is no other 'one' or more people born on the same day, time, year, day of the week, month, and second as you. Honestly if there was some way to catalog the birthday's of the world I bet you couldn't find one pair that matched exactly.

I believe that God infinitely picked out the exact specifics for each and everyone of us just to make that moment in time special for us and to me that is the most special gift we could ever receive. I mean most everyone celebrates Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's day, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, Easter, and so on; but your birthday is the one day of the year that you can bask in the glory that is your life. Despite all the things that you think are 'horrible' in your life, please remember it could be worse you could 'not' be here...or you could have the life of say someone in prison or say someone with a life much less blessed than your own. It's a day when you get to hear birthday wishes, love and concern from your friends and family & to me that is so special. If I never got another gift on another birthday I would be 'A' okay, and let met tell you all I got in the way of a gift was 2 packs of socks (*no I'm not kidding). So honestly I come from nothing but yet I have so much and feel so blessed!!

So the next time you think that a birthday is just another day remember that it is the complete opposite of that and so much more! You are special & important in so many ways to so many people and you matter, no matter how bad you think life is right now (*trust me I'm one to know) it can ALWAYS get so much worse. I feel completely blessed to have a birthday, even though it is right there with Christmas and so many people do forget it (even those in my family) but that's okay because I know I'm loved & thought about by so many and I appreciate that in so many ways. I know that despite my current trials that the Lord has blessed me beyond what I acknowledge Him for and sometimes I feel ashamed of the lack of thanks that I give to Him for all those blessings; but I know that what I have received in the way of gifts is no greater than my birth & the salvation that I was provided. Jesus was born unto this earth just as you & I, He walked this earth & lived just the same, then for us He died so that we could spend eternity in Heaven and not spend it in hell...I could not think of a greater gift than that...so on that note..."Lord I thank you for my salvation for the most precious present I will ever receive on this day of my birth, your love that was so enormous that you gave your only son to die for my sins and give me everlasting life!!"

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Stupid Criminals

Okay I know this is an overrated subject, but I must touch on it in light of the stories in the news today. In my area there was a robber who frequented banks over the last 5 years, his name "The Bearded Bandit?!" WTF?...Okay he wore some sort of facial (mostly beards) with hats, glasses, different color clothes...and the police after 5 years said they couldn't up until recently tell their 'race' ? Seriously by their nose, cheeks you couldn't tell what color they were?? I could see CLEARLY in every surveillance video from the banks what 'race' they were.

I guess my biggest question would be to the criminals..."What brought you to rob these banks...and did you think you would get away with it?" Apparently so, and really did you think you were Jesse James...cause you're not, lol!! Sometimes I wonder how stupid you have to be to disguise yourself, rob the bank with a note that says 'put all the money in the bag,' then on the other side of the note is 'your check' with 'your name, address & phone number' WTF?? I mean if I were going to rob somewhere I would wrap myself in saran wrap (no DNA transfer), wear a shower cap (can't leave hairs behind), gloves (for no finger prints), shoe covers (so they can't trace the kind of shoe I wear), a helicopter (so they can't chase me in my get away, *which when you think about it, if you can afford a helicopter, why are you robbing a bank?) Seriously cover ALL your bases before you go doing something stupid and taking a HUGE chance on ruining your life, your family's life, and other people's lives!! 

Now as for what drives these people to do these 'stupid' events...my ex's uncle was paying child support and the state he was paying through was said to 'rob a man blind to pay child support', essentially leaving the man no money to live off of...he felt so overwhelmed and had no money that he robbed a bank! WTF!! *I know this should have been my first sign to a dysfunctional family and that I should 'STAY AWAY!' Anyways why rob from the bank, 'where you gonna take it to the family court and say here I want to pay off the rest of my child support, or were you gonna use it to live off of?'

Next, your predecessors didn't get away with it, what makes you any different or more 'criminal like' that you will get away with it? I mean did you come up with some 'wicked' plan that is going to revolutionalize the way a robbery takes place, so that all current & future criminals can get away with this 'master plan' as well?! YOU'RE CRAZY...You will be caught like all those before you...WHY?...because most places that have money have surveillance cameras and they have this thing called a recording that they can go back and look at to look at your 'mug shot' so they can one day *hopefully sooner then later, pick up your 'criminal mind' and put your behind bars!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Girl World..If You Are Raising a Girl This is Important!

So on today's Dr. Phil show he spoke on the 'Girl World.' Now for those of you who don't know what that is, and if you were born in the late 70's and up you will know what it is. The 'Girl World' is the hateful, demeaning, depressing, suicidal, sickening, insanely childish world of 'The Mean Girls!' If you've seen that movie 'The Mean Girls' starring Lindsay Lohan you get somewhat of an idea of what I'm talking about, but that movie put it in a much lighter context.

Here's is the link to Dr.Phil's show today Girl World..Monday Dr.Phil Show . Now I'm going to tell you some of the things I heard on this show just made me sick to my stomach. There was one girl who said that in the 'second 2nd grade' she was bullied by a group of girls who called her a 'slut,' OMG!  What second grader knows what a slut is, much less is using the word to threaten or demean another little girl. I didn't even know the word much less would I have used it for any reason at the age. My first question is 'WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?' Honestly I know we all have to work and make a living and provide the life our children are living, especially if we are single parents, but ladies 'especially' we must ensure that our little girls are not these BULLIES! I would be absolutely ashamed & embarassed to know that my girl at any age was a bully and hurting someone's feelings all just to 'fit in?!' 

I know it happens everywhere, but that does not mean that as parents we should stand by and let our children to deal with it or learn to cope, because sometimes the bullying can go way to far and the results are deadly!! I would never condone my child nor let them get away with bullying no more than I am going to just sit by and wait while 'you, slacker of a parent' do nothing because you think that your child is standing up for themself or 'oh kids will be kids,' you would not be saying that if the shoe was on the other foot. Get a hold on your child and teach them that in order to one day be a respectable adult they should first be a respectable child and that means treating their peers (regardless if they like them or not) with the same respect that they wish to receive. 

Mothers, we must strive to raise our daughters to be strong women, NOT cruel women! These girls that are today bullying by words, fights, or cyber bullying are the people who will one day be teaching my grandchildren or their children may be interacting with my children...the thought just makes my skin crawl. Not for the sake of the child, but the absolute disregard that the parent 'who has a bully for a child' displays when they are approached with the fact that their child is a bully. Deal with it, don't be ashamed, talk with them, help them to understand that this is not the way to carry yourself today or any day in the future. 

It's so bad that girls will get into fights 'with their bullee' just to show how big of a 'bullier' they are...watch I'm going to search youtube right now and very quickly pull something up to post for you...Crazy Teenage Girls...Girl World . This is absolutely insane I can't believe that girls can be so cruel, honestly I would hope that if I were this girl that I didn't see each one of them on the street individually some day cause let me tell you they have a serious a$$ wooping coming! So please stand up teach your girls & help them to understand this is not the way to solve things!!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Christmas Spirit & What I want in you?

So I am always in the Christmas spirit, usually before Thanksgiving but always by the first of December. Since moving in with my mother because of the split between my ex- and myself, she herself has not be in the Christmas spirit. This of course draining the life out of me and causing me to feel quite 'seasonally depressed.' Anyways I am not a depressed kind of person, I usually cry some to get the feelings out then move on to another day.

I went to get a few things from the house today, things I had been procrastinating to pick up because I did not want to see my ex, knowing that when I did he was going to do it again. I knew that after this 2 1/2 week haitus of being with out his 'family' he would see the error of his ways and try to 'sweet talk' me back into his arms. Well each time I have been so niave and just fell for him, God how it hurts to see him cry because I know that he hurts. It breaks my heart to know he's alone, but what about all those times I was alone, wishing he was there, and not over at his friends house. What about all those times I cried and he didn't care or called me a 'cry baby' ? I know that in my heart I love him, but I hate who he has become and I can not for the life of me continue to subject my heart & soul to this kind of punishment. I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with but under the circumstances I was dealing with I think that I lasted longer than most women would have.

I yearn to be loved, cared for, looked at in that way that just makes your heart skip a beat because you know that the person looking back at you is so in love with you that it hurts them. I want that touch in the middle of the night that says I'm here and I'll always be here, don't be afraid. I want that hug that makes all of my fears & worries just fade away, like no matter the sitaution or downfall we can make it through together. I want honesty, stability, trust, communication, understanding, and most of all a love for God. That love that is not jealous, understands when you need to be alone, understands when you need a should to cry on, knows when you need a tissue, and knows when you need to scream. I want to feel needed and be wanted, to be someone's everything and everything they've never had. I want to stop hurting so bad that I won't have to hide my tears from my babies any more. I want a love so true, so real, that it last forever, through the end to that porch with rocking chairs & sweet tea at the sun sets, knowing that whatever happens we have each other. I want you...whoever you are...wherever you are...I want you to know I'm here...I am waiting to be loved & love in return with everything I have inside of me...to the end...just be honest with me no matter what & provide as a man should, because I will be the love of your life if you just let me.

I need a best friend, someone who first looks out for me in the world and can rely on me just as I rely on them. I need that comforter, that protector, that lover who never waivers his faith and loyalty, he never betrays or misleads. He is only honest and compassionate to the feelings that I wear on my sleeve. I want someone who loves children, who knows that a mothers place is first to her children, and will always be to their needs & interests. A best friend who can look out for you & look over your should when no one else can be bothered.

Do I dare to think this exists for me? I don't know, I may never know. However, I know that I will strive to be the best mother I can be by providing for them, which means finishing school with the best grades I can & getting in a career that I know will provide for us & make me a happier mommy. I know that either way I will always be loved unconditionally, because God has given me the most promising, wonderful, fruitfully beautiful blessings anyone could ever ask for and those three gifts are my children. Thank you Jesus for those blessings which are my children & all the love that they provide with each smile, hug, kiss, touch, or I love you mommy!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas w/ the Extended Family

Let me start by saying that I have a very 'weird' relationship with my step-mother and her family, on top of the 'weird' relationship that my mother & step-mother have. What is that 'weird' relationship you ask? Well we are all close, my mother & step-mother are 'BEST FRIENDS', yes I said it. I frequent my step-mother's family get togethers as if I were blood kin and no one thinks any different.

So tonight we were off to the 'Blackmon Family Christmas Party,' where we entertained ourselves with good food, presents, and family company. I love getting together with my step-mother's family for so many reasons, but the main reason is that her mother 'Granny Ruth' treats myself & my children just as if we were her own. She never thinks twice about calling me her granddaughter or my children her great grandchildren and it just lights my heart up because they do not have my ex's mother in their life (nor will they ever) and I believe a child needs all the 'good' kind of love they can come by, especially when parents separate.

The next reason I enjoy getting together especially at Christmastime is the 'little balls of heaven wrapped in chocolate' that Granny Ruth makes...OMG!! Their real name is 'Martha Washington balls'. They are wonderful to the point of I will fight you for the last one, I'm gonna give you a pic.

Anyways so I took a few pictures of the goings on with presents being opened and such. I'm sure everyone knows that with the economic state of our country at this moment that $$ is scarce for pretty much everyone so the only people that got gifts were the children. I am so glad that my children do not get toys regularly throughout the year because when their Birthday's & Christmas come they are so much more grateful for what they do receive and are able to show a great deal of gratitude for what the person gave them regardless of the amount spent on the present.

As for what I got out of today I learned that family is not based solely on last names, DNA, or blood lines...but on who you love and who takes care of you & vice versa. Its the people that are always there for you through thick and thin, regardless of the situation and will drop what they are doing to make it to you. Thank you God for the blessing that is my WHOLE family!!



















Friday, December 18, 2009

The Chaos That is Love

You know today started out pretty bad considering none of the kids slept very well and I knew that I had to get up fairly early so Austin and I could head out to pick up his present for the preschool Christmas party, but all in all I feel so blessed it brought me to tears tonight.

I know that as I go through my day I always seem so frazzled, frustrated, disgusted, exhausted and just plain ready to give up but as the night falls and the kids settle into their bedtime routines...I watch them and notice that they are mine and even though becoming a single parent was NEVER something I had ever wanted or planned it has become one of the best blessings in disguise. Although most parents would think how could you feel blessed at being as a single parent of 3 children 5 years of age and under?? Let me tell you how.

My daddy came by today because Ethan had his 9 month check up and he was going to pick Austin up from preschool, so he needed his booster seat. Well the kids see my daddy about 1 to 2 times a month and a lot of the time my step mother is around or he's preoccupied by something so they usually don't get a lot of 'Paw' time and today Brooke got just that some 'Paw' time.


Sweetest thing I've ever seen is my daddy loving on the miniature version of me. It's amazing that she looks just like me and I can see my daddy wanting to not make the mistakes with her that he made with me. It's wonderful that my children have so much love around them, I know that with the impending future of what will most definitely happen between my ex-in-laws and myself is going to be huge and I just want my children to always feel loved & safe, no matter what.

So Ethan was a gem at the doctor weighing in at a wopping 18lbs 14oz. at only 9 months, which is the 75th percentile. That does sound big, but compared to my older two at that age he is actually small. Everything else came within range and the doctor only said he was big because he was getting plenty of milk, most babies by his age are not nursing as much so it's good that he weighs what he does to be breastfed.

What did I learn today?? I learned that as hard as it is and always will be to raise these children alone there will NEVER be anything else in my life as rewarding as the love they give me in return. I know that I'm not supermom and won't contend to be, however, I will strive to be the best I can knowing that I will struggle, fall, and make mistakes  but that my children will never go without...never be harmed...and always be LOVED!!

Here is Ethan awaiting to go into the doctor's, they were going to give him shots today, but since he was already *crazy ill, I decided to wait until January...which the nurse said was fine, since they were not really necessary until his 12 month.

 

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Ugh!!! What a day ;)

Okay so today was one of those days that every stay at home mother has nightmare's of! It started with my 9 month old just not cooperating in any way that normally makes sense and continually screaming, crying, or just whining. I know you're saying well he's just 9 months, but let me tell you this boy does not have these kinds of days. He is normally (*unless he is hungry or wet) the kind of baby that just plays by himself, smiles and laughs at just about everything. Here are some pictures of what I'm talking about:



Okay so as you see that is my boy, in the second one he is with his Nana, which is the absolute sweetest pic I have ever seen ( he looks just like my brother & daddy combined, with my eyes & hair). So when he was just an absolute whine box today I was so frustrated :( I nursed him, changed his diaper, rocked him, fed him some baby food, played with him, tried (that's the key word) to lay him down for a nap...but nothing would work. I just got him down now, in the middle of trying to blog...Lord I hope he stays down this time, he's barely slept at ALL today!

So next on the agenda I tried to spend a little time with the two older one's since I kept Austin out of preschool today and thought hey let's color together. Since when asked 'what is your favorite part of school?' Austin then replies "coloring because I get to use markers!" This child absolutely loves to color and although I hate to admit it he did not get that artistic talent or love for art from me. He got that love from the *gem that is his father. His daddy, although my least favorite person in the world, has an incredible talent!! He can draw with any utensil be it pencil, crayon, marker, charcoal with his eyes closed whether he's drawing from memory or just looking at something. I think that Austin has picked it up and hopefully he will hang on to it and use it. So we colored and here's some of the fun, plus a picture of some of the finished products:



 


Now mind you the coloring was fun, takes me back to the elementary school days when that was the most work you had to put forth, the pain in your hand from coloring so much so fast, lol (you know you remember that pain). Anyways after the fun was over Brooke decides lets pitch some fits so we can drive mama even more insane that she already is from Ethan not being his normal self. This child persists to listen to nothing I say, do nothing I say, pitch fits to the point of making herself sick (all because she was getting down off my lap so I helped her down, she then proceeds to tell me that she wanted on my lap and screams at me, then I put her the hall for a time out, and what does she do...ugh!) so I leave her in the hall for a few minutes until she calms down, then we eat dinner, let me say everyone but her ate dinner, first she says 'my tummy's hurting, I don't want any spaghetti'...so I say okay you want some bread...'yes I want some bread'...I give her the bread, but not before taking off the crust (even on garlic bread she hates the crust) and she just looks at me for a few and says 'I don't want it I'm sleepy'...I clean her off and say go lay down in the rocking chair until mommy is done with her dinner...'no I want some milk'...well I didn't get to the store today so I give her orange juice, she drinks it. Once I'm done I get her and Austin some pj's and they dress within a few minutes she says 'I gotta poop' so we start to the bathroom and I notice that she is walking funny, I get her in there and she has poop in her underwear (mind you not diahrrea but regular poop). Oh my, I was livid by this point, she now has poop on her legs because she wouldn't listen to me about getting the panties off, then I'm trying to clean it off the toilet where it is also at, then for an hour she fights me to go to sleep...UGH!!

Calgon Take Me Away!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Exercise & How Kids Think :)

Okay so today Austin was talking about 'exercising.' He gets in these moods where he's really stuck on just one subject and asks lots of questions about it until he's satisfied. Of course, then Brooke has to join in, mostly just doing what Austin does and giving her opinion of the situation. So here is a quick dialog between Austin, Brooke, & myself about exercise:

Me: "Austin, why do we exercise?"
Austin: "So we can be healthy mama."
Me: "What kind of exercises can we do?"

Austin: "Running, walking, jumping jacks, push ups, sit ups...that kind of stuff mama."
Me: "What else can we do to be health
y?"
Austin: "Eat healthy foods like vegetables and
fruits."
Me: "What's your favorite vegetable?"
Austin: "The best vegetable in the world mama, a tomato!"
Me: "Good, what's your favorite fruit?"

Austin: "Apples mama, but you know that a tomato is really a fruit too!"
*He's too smart!
Me: "That's right, it is a fruit! Brooke, what's your favorite vegetable?"
Brooke: "Tatoes (potatoes) and carrots."
Me: "Good, those are good vegetables. Wha
t's your favorite fruit?"
Brooke: "Apples."
*Every time this girl goes to her Paw & E's house she has to have an apple and trust me she eats the thing whole with practically nothing left
but a few seeds in the core.

So here's a few pictures of the kids showing off their 'exercise' skills today. Hope you enjoy!!