Sunday, December 20, 2009

Christmas Spirit & What I want in you?

So I am always in the Christmas spirit, usually before Thanksgiving but always by the first of December. Since moving in with my mother because of the split between my ex- and myself, she herself has not be in the Christmas spirit. This of course draining the life out of me and causing me to feel quite 'seasonally depressed.' Anyways I am not a depressed kind of person, I usually cry some to get the feelings out then move on to another day.

I went to get a few things from the house today, things I had been procrastinating to pick up because I did not want to see my ex, knowing that when I did he was going to do it again. I knew that after this 2 1/2 week haitus of being with out his 'family' he would see the error of his ways and try to 'sweet talk' me back into his arms. Well each time I have been so niave and just fell for him, God how it hurts to see him cry because I know that he hurts. It breaks my heart to know he's alone, but what about all those times I was alone, wishing he was there, and not over at his friends house. What about all those times I cried and he didn't care or called me a 'cry baby' ? I know that in my heart I love him, but I hate who he has become and I can not for the life of me continue to subject my heart & soul to this kind of punishment. I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with but under the circumstances I was dealing with I think that I lasted longer than most women would have.

I yearn to be loved, cared for, looked at in that way that just makes your heart skip a beat because you know that the person looking back at you is so in love with you that it hurts them. I want that touch in the middle of the night that says I'm here and I'll always be here, don't be afraid. I want that hug that makes all of my fears & worries just fade away, like no matter the sitaution or downfall we can make it through together. I want honesty, stability, trust, communication, understanding, and most of all a love for God. That love that is not jealous, understands when you need to be alone, understands when you need a should to cry on, knows when you need a tissue, and knows when you need to scream. I want to feel needed and be wanted, to be someone's everything and everything they've never had. I want to stop hurting so bad that I won't have to hide my tears from my babies any more. I want a love so true, so real, that it last forever, through the end to that porch with rocking chairs & sweet tea at the sun sets, knowing that whatever happens we have each other. I want you...whoever you are...wherever you are...I want you to know I'm here...I am waiting to be loved & love in return with everything I have inside of the end...just be honest with me no matter what & provide as a man should, because I will be the love of your life if you just let me.

I need a best friend, someone who first looks out for me in the world and can rely on me just as I rely on them. I need that comforter, that protector, that lover who never waivers his faith and loyalty, he never betrays or misleads. He is only honest and compassionate to the feelings that I wear on my sleeve. I want someone who loves children, who knows that a mothers place is first to her children, and will always be to their needs & interests. A best friend who can look out for you & look over your should when no one else can be bothered.

Do I dare to think this exists for me? I don't know, I may never know. However, I know that I will strive to be the best mother I can be by providing for them, which means finishing school with the best grades I can & getting in a career that I know will provide for us & make me a happier mommy. I know that either way I will always be loved unconditionally, because God has given me the most promising, wonderful, fruitfully beautiful blessings anyone could ever ask for and those three gifts are my children. Thank you Jesus for those blessings which are my children & all the love that they provide with each smile, hug, kiss, touch, or I love you mommy!

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